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Description
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(revised)
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Seller
assumes all responsibility for listing
this item.
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YOU are bidding on the rolling chassis for a Honda
CB500T, 1978 vintage.
The CB500T was possibly one
of the nastiest Honda twins ever made, coupling
excruciating vibration, lousy handling and a
horrendous engine in an unholy union of incompetent
engineering. So the chassis isn't worth talking
about.
Viewers will see this, but
because there are so many people on Ebay who appear
devoid of functioning eyes and brain, I shall point
it out, in words of one syllable. This is for the
benefit of those mental defectives who've just
found out how to turn the doorknob the right way to
escape from their remedial classes:
THIS BIKE DOES NOT GO. IT
DOES NOT RUN.
The lack of engine is a
clue. Ditto the lack of any fuel tank, a seat,
exhausts, ignition system and anything else usually
associated with an internal combustion engine and
forward motion. Even freewheeling it will be
fraught with excitement, because it hasn't got a
front brake either. See? Nor handlebars, so
steering it will be an adventure. A frame, forks,
pair of wheels, and a few odds and sods, and what
you see in the pic (try
http://www.chateau.murray.dsl.pipex.com/CB500Twreck.jpg
if you want) is your lot.
Now, I've got a bit tired
of the decerebrated turnips that bid on Ebay, as
perusal of the old C90 that I sold (item no.
2442354423) will show. Possession of a powerful
computer is no substitute for a working brain. Only
the other week I was sitting beside an American
female in a business centre in a Chilean hotel, as
she tried to connect to her Yahoo messager that
normally pops up on her screen at home. Needless to
say, it didn't there. I suggested she try her Yahoo
email, and she asked how to find that. So I told
her to go to yahoo.com and watched as she added an
extra w to the www, no dot and an extra c in
com.
And then she called the
hotel girl over and complained to her she'd
forgotten her Yahoo password, and could she help?
The girls's face was a picture. I have no idea
what: "You complete imbecile!" is in Spanish, but I
can mime it now. At this point I left them to it.
And these people have Ebay accounts.. terrifying,
isn't it? So anyone I consider particularly bereft
of clue will have their bids cancelled.
Then there are the people
who screw up in their bidding, by bidding £111
instead of £11. A tip: if you suffer from
Parkinson's Disease, don't bid on Ebay. And instead
of retracting the bid, they send me damn stupid
long-winded, illiterate and nonsensical emails (the
sort of thing that, on paper, would be written in
purple crayon with LoTs oF rAndoM CApITaL LeTters).
Same applies.
Then there are the people
who bid just to see what happens. They've no
intention of buying: they just bid to see the
numbers change and their name on the screen. These
are the sort of people who'd bang lumps of
plutonium together because they've heard it makes a
pretty spark. Ebay's infested with the
sods.
So what is this heap good
for? Beats the hell out of me. For the last two
years it has been used as a ground anchor for my
trailer. That's right, I've kept it because it's
just a large heavy lump of pig iron that prevents
something rather more valuable[1] being
stolen. You may find a better use for it, but I
never have.
I'm installing a proper
ground anchor for the trailer and was going to
throw this heap away, but it occurred to me that if
some lunatic was prepared to pay £41 for the
C90 mentioned above, then I might (a) get some cash
and (b) save myself the trouble of carting it down
to the dump. There are mental defectives on Ebay
who will pay for anything. Finding someone prepared
to pay for that C90 was like finding someone
willing to hand over cash in exchange for mud. So
someone might want to buy this derelict example of
Japanese industrial archaeology.
Starting price is 99p.
Buyer collects by the end of December 2003. I can
deliver, but I'll charge 50p/mile, each way, so you
don't have to be Stephen Hawking to work out that
if you live 25 miles away it'll cost £25, but
as ever, this ad has to cater to the lowest forms
of intelligent life in the Great Ebay Universe, so
there: I've spelled it out. Oh, and for the real
thickos, look at the "location" tag. I'm in
south-west London. Nowhere near, for example,
Glasgow.
What's intriguing is that
the main frame tube has been welded up, just aft of
the engine top mount, and painted with red lead.
This implies either that it cracked through
vibration, or that someone thought of chopping the
frame and changed his mind, or that somebody wanted
to try the angle grinder and welding torch he got
for Christmas. But the wheel hubs are OK. The back
wheel is the same as for the CB550, and they have a
reputation for cracking their hubs. This one's
fine, if you have a CB550 with a cracked hub. There
are some primitive electrical components still on
it, but don't ask me if they work because even
Edison would consider it too much hassle.
Amazingly, I have a valid registration document for
it.
Zero feedback bidders I'd
prefer to email me with their contact details, or
run the risk of Planet Earth's Neutronic Bid Zapper
cancelling their bids. The feckwits who ask all
sort of dim questions will be treated harshly.
WYSIWYG. Planet Earth's Alien Feedback Division
will deal ruthlessly with any NPBs.
Beep.
[1] Like a child's
plastic tricycle.
(Dateline 4 hours after
auction start). Christ, so it begins. No, the
SuperSoaker isn't included. Nor the plastic bowl,
spare wheel for my trailer or indeed the wall
behind the wreck, which is in fact the side of my
house.
Decerebrated Turnip
merchandise! Click the link below
http://www.cafeshops.com/bikepusher
On 15-Dec-03 at 17:17:58 GMT, seller added the
following information:
And, blinking as their
dulled reflexes try to cope with the light, and
their rudimentary nervous systems try to make sense
of the complexities of an on-line auction, out they
come.... the first bidder is in the US of
A.
On 16-Dec-03 at 09:46:39 GMT, seller added the
following information:
Look, people, I've had
emails from people saying they're bidding, and
intend to honour the bids for the laughs they've
had, but have no intention of actually taking
possession of this valuable collector's piece.
Fine, thanks, and I'll raise the glass of beer your
bid pays for to your health, but if I just wanted
the cash I'd put up an auction saying "Send me
money now!" and rely on the mental bottom-feeders
of Ebay to go: "Coo, I think I'll bid on that...".
In other words, I really do want somebody to pay me
and take this thing away. Optimistic and under the
terms of this auction, unenforceable, but there
must be someone out there who actually wants
it.
On 16-Dec-03 at 10:21:36 GMT, seller added the
following information:
Guess what? One of our cats
has just pissed on it. Honest. Buyer to bring
rubber gloves. Oh, and if you find this fair and
honest attack on Ebay's more intellectually
challenged members amusing, and you really want to
show your appreciation, you can click on the
cafeshops link above and buy a crappy mug or
Tshirt. Better than bidding a fiver and leaving me
still in possession of this thing.
On 16-Dec-03 at 18:50:21 GMT, seller added the
following information:
Ooooh, wasn't welt2 a
clever little bunny, bidding when he's in
Australia? If you'd emailed me to say you were
serious, welt2, I might have left the bid up, but
with zero feedback you've just proved yourself to
be one of the turnips. And there your bids go,
vapourised... Zappp!
On 16-Dec-03 at 20:41:29 GMT, seller added the
following information:
And they come crawling out
of the woodwork. You block his bids and you get an
email: "Well aren't you a miserable pr*ck." Nope,
I'm not, I'm a good-natured soul (see, I even
edited your obscenity), but if anyone's a pr*ck
it's a zero feedback-rated ebayer in Australia
who's only bidding to waste my time. Now, does
anyone else want to see their name in
lights?
On 17-Dec-03 at 07:13:17 GMT, seller added the
following information:
Oh Good God. Ebayers, meet
g4-gertje. g4-gertje, meet the sharp end of my
keyboard. g4-gertje wants to know if I'll just sell
the indicator brackets for some project bike he
has. g4-gertje is in Belgium and thus separated
from me by a few hundred miles, the English Channel
and, I suspect, several dozen IQ points. Does this
auction say: "will flog off minute components bit
by bit"? NO! It's a damned auction. Buy the whole
thing or nothing at all. I mean, the winning bidder
(who I notice has a feedback of 1 and is teetering
on the edge of Bid Cancel Canyon, might want them
as well. Unlikely, but can you imagine actually
winning this pile of crap and finding that the one
component you want from it has been
sold?
On third thoughts
GF....hand your tinfoil crown over to this
guy.......what a laff!
-- (C) Jon Down
(R)
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