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©Martin Pickering 1995
- Two up, two down with a netty,
- Was the house I was born in up north
- With a sister whose first name were Betty
- An' a mother who looked like an 'orse
- Me brother came home Sunday morning
- All covered in muck an' quite wet
- It appeared he'd been strolling up t' towpath
- and jumped in t' canal for a bet
- Me father was unsympathetic
- And gev him a clout round the ear
- While mother ran into the kitchen
- Then came back with a cloth and some beer
- 'This is just what the doctor ordered"
- She said with a glance at his boots
- "To bring you up all clean and tidy
- And get t' oily brown muck off that suit"
- But father cried "nay it be wasted
- Whats wrong wi' a brush and some soap
- Let me look after the bottle
- While you fetch the bath and some rope"
- Well 'Orace (yes that's what we called 'im)
- He stood on the carpet and dripped
- And mother, with some reservations
- brought the items while dad sat and sipped
- "Tie the rope round 'is ankles and 'ang 'im
- From the 'ook in that beam over there
- An' I'll slide the bath underneath 'im
- While you 'old 'im up by 'is 'air"
- "It's gravity that makes the job easy"
- Said me father from inside his glass
- "When it comes to the science of cleaning
- You've got me at the top of the class"
- (Now not many people would know this
- 'Cos me dad wouldn't boast of his feats
- But he won first prize last November
- For his prowess at sweeping the streets)
- "Mix t' soap in t' bucket of water
- And pour it down inside 'is leg
- So it washes the muck down 'is body
- And drips off the top of 'is 'ead"
- Well, me mam looked at him really coldly
- As if he'd gone utterly mad
- "And what about 'Orace's 'aircut?
- It'll spoil and that's really quite sad"
- So she bandaged his head in some muslin
- Adding wax with some polish as well
- But poor 'Orace was starting to suffer -
- His face was quite red - I could tell
- Now my sister (you remember, Betty)
- Came downstairs at this point in time
- And she carried him out to the netty
- And the flush helped remove all the grime
- But the truth of the matter is really
- He was worse than before he had gone
- And his hair when they took off the muslin
Was quite short - in fact now he had none!
Copyright ©2006 SatCure
Updated April 14, 2006
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