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'Orace's Hair

©Martin Pickering 1995

Two up, two down with a netty,
Was the house I was born in up north
With a sister whose first name were Betty
An' a mother who looked like an 'orse
Me brother came home Sunday morning
All covered in muck an' quite wet
It appeared he'd been strolling up t' towpath
and jumped in t' canal for a bet
Me father was unsympathetic
And gev him a clout round the ear
While mother ran into the kitchen
Then came back with a cloth and some beer
'This is just what the doctor ordered"
She said with a glance at his boots
"To bring you up all clean and tidy
And get t' oily brown muck off that suit"
But father cried "nay it be wasted
Whats wrong wi' a brush and some soap
Let me look after the bottle
While you fetch the bath and some rope"
Well 'Orace (yes that's what we called 'im)
He stood on the carpet and dripped
And mother, with some reservations
brought the items while dad sat and sipped
"Tie the rope round 'is ankles and 'ang 'im
From the 'ook in that beam over there
An' I'll slide the bath underneath 'im
While you 'old 'im up by 'is 'air"
"It's gravity that makes the job easy"
Said me father from inside his glass
"When it comes to the science of cleaning
You've got me at the top of the class"
(Now not many people would know this
'Cos me dad wouldn't boast of his feats
But he won first prize last November
For his prowess at sweeping the streets)
"Mix t' soap in t' bucket of water
And pour it down inside 'is leg
So it washes the muck down 'is body
And drips off the top of 'is 'ead"
Well, me mam looked at him really coldly
As if he'd gone utterly mad
"And what about 'Orace's 'aircut?
It'll spoil and that's really quite sad"
So she bandaged his head in some muslin
Adding wax with some polish as well
But poor 'Orace was starting to suffer -
His face was quite red - I could tell
Now my sister (you remember, Betty)
Came downstairs at this point in time
And she carried him out to the netty
And the flush helped remove all the grime
But the truth of the matter is really
He was worse than before he had gone
And his hair when they took off the muslin
Was quite short - in fact now he had none!

Copyright ©2006 SatCure
Updated April 14, 2006
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